Maybe I've been reading and watching too many serial killer, murder, death type things recently.. It's caused me to have some really undesired dreams. They're not nightmares, just like, stories that I'd read, with me in them. And my friends. It's just weird. So I picked up an old Sarah Dessen book last night.. Hopefully the lovey, dovey, teen, chick lit will get my dreams back to more pleasant situations.

Anyways, so it's gotten me thinking a lot about death. not my own death - I honestly have no fear there, whatsoever. Yeah, I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep at an old age, or talking about Christ somewhere. Something like that. But if I were to die in a car accident or a health problem, or even as a hostage in a bank robbery.. It wouldn't be ideal, but hey, it was in God's plan, who am I to complain? Like I said, I haven't been thinking about that at all.

It's been my friends' deaths. I have my two circles of friends.

My friends that I know are going to heaven. The ones that I'll be sad to lose their company here. I will cry, I'll have holes in my heart, and less people to hug. I would love for me to go first, so that I don't have to figure out how my life will change and still honor God when I don't have my close group of friends around me. Maybe that's the coward's way out though, to want to be the first to die so that I can remain complete, but it'd make it easy on me. Their funerals will be bitter sweet. They really will be a celebration of their life here, and almost a jealousy for what they're doing then - they'll be in heaven! There will be happy stories and all of that.

Then I have my friends that are going to hell. That's really hard to grasp sometimes. That there are people that I deeply love here, that won't be in heaven when they die, hell is their eternal home. I don't know how I'll handle their funerals. I don't think I've ever heard of funeral where the pastor has said "they lived a selfish life where they didn't want to live for Christ, they decided to live for themselves, and are now in hell". I guess the only positive outlook those funerals can have is "don't end up like them, believe in Christ". I will be crying at those funerals, and they will be such different tears. I won't know how to comfort our other friends.

So I went to the dentist today. I've never had a cavity, so I don't get nervous about the visit at all. I'm sure I may get a cavity one day, but in the meantime, I have no hesitations about the visit. Actually, I enjoy it. Mostly.

The only thing that generally bothers me is that they want to hear your life story. At least they make you think they want to hear it. And if you know me, I have no problem at all talking to people. I will talk and talk for hours about any and everything. The only thing that bothers me is how difficult it is with their hands in your mouth! Dentists must have had to take a class on "Mumble 101" so that they can try to understand you. And they do try. But it's still rather frustrating that I can't speak completely coherantly throughout the whole visit.

Anyways, today's visit was really enjoyable. Like, ridiculously enjoyable. I've been going to the same dentist my entire life. My mom went to the dentist when she was growing up. It's a family business, the dad was my mom's dentist, and now his son and his wife are the dentists. So they know us all. Anywho.. I can't believe I forgot about how Susan, the wife, had been so excited when I visited 6 months ago about how she had just asked Christ into her life. She was so excited then, and I completely forgot! However, she definitely hadn't! She was still completely thrilled about her faith. It was so amazing. I'm "used to" teenagers finding faith at camps or in the middle of a hard time, but man. Adults who develop a relationship with Christ are insane! In the greatest way possible! Susan kept talking about how she just wanted to make up for lost time. How she had wasted so much of her life as a Buddhist or being "nothing", that she wants nothing more than to give everything to God. That she wishes she weren't so busy, so that she could spend even more time reading her Bible. But because she can't read and drive at the same time, she listens to sermons in the car. And she was talking about how she has questions just bursting out of her about everything. And how she's researching the questions she has. And even like.. She's not happy with the church she's at. And it's not that she doesn't like the worship, or something like that.. She has questions, and the pastor isn't answering them. And not just is he not answering them, he's basically telling her that her questions are stupid.. And she knows that's not right. That her questions, as a new believer, or a believer at all, should be welcomed with opened arms, not looked down on like a child.

Anyways. It was just amazing to see how passionate she was. How she is so eager to learn everything she can. It was an awesome reminder of how we should be. The Jars of Clay song "Like A Child"... They say that I can move the mountains, and send them crashing into the sea. They say that I can walk on water, if I would follow and believe, with faith like a child.

Faith like a child, faith like a child, faith like a child..

Saddest thing I've read in awhile.

I've blogged about it before, so it's no secret that I love to journal. And I found a bunch of old ones a little bit ago. I didn't realize that I'd actually journaled during my soph/junior year a bit. In a handful of random little notebooks.

Anyways, I found them. And I had tons of notes from different Bible Studies and camps and such, and I came across one quote that just hit me.

For a non-Christian, this is their heaven.

That was such a... Holy. Crap. Because it's so true!

Which, I can understand some people might say "eh, that's not so bad. Life's been pretty good here". But I'm sorry... Hell is... Hell is Hell. Think of the worst possible situation that you've ever been through during your life - a mom dying, a boyfriend breaking up with you, getting in a car accident and being paralyzed, killing someone. The feelings and emotions experienced during those things is nothing - NOTHING - compared to what Hell's going to be like. And those horrible situations.. That's a part of what your Heaven is. I love the fact that this life I'm living here on earth.. This is my Hell. This is the worst my existence will ever be. And I know it's hard for a non-Christian to get it, and to grasp what is so horrible about Hell, and so amazing about Heaven. Like, I know that the happiest I've ever been in my life here on Earth, is going to be non-existent and so far from my mind when I get to Heaven. And for someone whose eternity is going to be in Hell... When you are in Hell, you will be begging, pleading, CRAVING the horrible feelings that you felt when you had your heart broken, when you lost feeling in your legs, when you went to that funeral. Those feelings would be WELCOMED and basically a party compared to Hell.

Oh I am so thankful for my God.

Er.. Or... Over the ocean and through the clouds...

Back from the Philippines. Meh. It was okay...

Just kidding. It was kinda, sorta, amazing. I'd never been overseas before, and it was just an amazing first experience.

I can't even begin to describe it. The people there are so freaking friendly. Which was the first thing that Jenna and I noticed when we stepped off the plane. Everyone was just "hi!" "hello!" (and not just in the airport).. Granted, that might've just been because we were the only white people around, but it was still cool. And I had to go backwards through security at the airport, because I left my jacket on the other side of immigration, and it was so easy! Flashed my password and a smile, and it was a "yes m'am, let me see what I can do for you!".

And the like, cities, villages, and provences were so interesting, and you could tell immediately that you'd switched from one to another. Manila has high rises that are taller than some of the ones I've ever seen, and some of the grungiest areas as well - with squatters living in areas three feet wide between the tall buildings. And embassys everywhere. I had to walk down the street by myself at 1:30 in the morning, and I felt completely safe - because I was walking past embassys and bulidings with security guards sitting in the street - coming back from a massage, amaaazing.

Got to travel all throughout the northern half of the island of Luzon - landed in Manila, then stayed in Makati for a few days, then went to Subic to the Clark military base (went swimming with dolphins and whales), then went to Alaminos (aka 100 Islands) and got to rent a boat and hang out on our own island for the day and went snorkeling. After that, we went to this cool town of Vigan where we got to ride horse drawn carriages called calesas and walked and rode down cobblestone roads, then we had lunch the next day in Batac with a missionary couple and then we to Burgos to visit a light house. Had some major car problems at the top of the very steep hill (transmission hose cracking and losing all the fluid), and four hours later, as darkness approached, a mechanic came baring a hose and "hydraulic fluid" (which can apparently be a substitute for transmission fluid) and off we went - singing the Indian Jones theme song the whole way! Got to the creepiest hotel of the whole trip in Pagudpug, but the cochroach in the room was so worth it when we woke up in the morning and saw the view. It was amazing. Seriously, something you'd see on a postcard. Amazing. Then we went to Tiguegarao, and stayed in the nicest hotel, and Jenna and I ordered room service all night long... Lol. Then it was off to Banaue to see the Banaue Rice Terraces. Dad and Steve (who were both on motorcycles) took a bumpier road than us girls in the car. Our car started giving us "Transmission Oil Temp" warning lights the whole way, and the guys got stuck at a landslide. We made it to Banaue - just barely - and the boys stayed in some other town. They got to us around noon the next day (after dad having motorcycle problems before leaving), and we decided to go straight to the the rice terraces. But..... Our car wouldn't start. So we had to go find a mechanic.. He came, fixed the car, and we were off! Only for us to get about a half mile down the road.... And the car started making a "clunk, clunk, clunk" sound... So we turned right back around, picking up the mechanic on the way. Found out we were missing three of the four screws holding up our drive shaft. And dad's motorcycle started making a noise too. The guy fixed them again, and so we were off to the rice terraces!! Got up to the terraces.... And it was so foggy we couldn't see a thing. Literally, all we could see was the railing of the platform we were on. Haha... Omg.. It was so funny. God has such a sense of humor. After Banaue, we drove eleven hours back to Makati. Got there around 8 on Friday evening.. We also went to Noah's ark musical when we were in Makati, and went to get a massage (a second one), and got to experience the malls and fish market and.. It was just freaking amazing. Got to visit the Faith Academy, which was awesome.

I'm back home now. And jet lag is quite challenging to get rid of. A 16 hour time difference. And since I've gotten home, on the day I haven't had work, I've been awake until about 2, and waking up around 3:30 or 4:30, then up until 6, then asleep until 11, then falling back asleep to wake up at 2... And on the days I've had work, I've been sleeping between 2 and 4:30, then staying awake until the next night. Work is great on an hour and a half or two of sleep.. Lol. Or like last night, I fell asleep around 2 on the couch, woke up at 4 to go to my room, and couldn't sleep.. So I've been up since then, and it's 10:13, and I need to head to church.

But it is nice to be home.

I'm so blessed with the friends that I have in my life.
I'm not a perfect friend.
And my friends aren't perfect either.
But goodness, I'm so glad that I have the friendships, the imperfect friendships, that I do.
We laugh, we love, we fight, we talk, we walk, we text, we cry, we play, we watch, we go through phases..
And I love it. Because in the end, it just makes us closer.

I'm okay with not being close to the people I used to be close with. I have the people in my life that I need. Actually, I don't need them. I don't need anybody. God created us to interact and love others here, but as long as I have my God.. That's all I need. I'm not going to be the one who's life crumbles from a friendship dwindling to a close, or a relationship that has seen it's last kiss. I'm not that person. I've been that person, but I'm not that person anymore. And I'm glad. I've never considered myself strong or independent. But I really am.

Haha I'm not even going through a break up or anything right now. I don't know why this all came out. Lol.

But I am learning I do have a tendency to get jealous. Haha. And I try very hard to hold it in and not let it be known. But boy, do I have to bite my freaking tongue. Or fingers. Or whatever. It's really entertaining. It's weird. Haha But it's a sign that I care for people. Which I've never doubted. And probably never will. But it's a more dominate feeling sometimes, so it's almost like, a physical feeling of caring. It's hard to explain. But it's okay. Lol

One Tree Hill. A new addiction.

My wrist has been killing me for about a week now. I blame Broomball. But it was so worth it. lol

And finally getting the surprise that I've been waiting for for two months was so worth it. Oh my amazing friends <3